In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
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Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit