I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
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*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
August 8
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.