Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
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Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*