Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
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Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
WHO DID THIS?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.