I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
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If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?