Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
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People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Ironic
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.