Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
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people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am