Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
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[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Always
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.