This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
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my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
never forget
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”