[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
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“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?