I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
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I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”