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[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.