me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
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CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”