[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
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Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.