goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
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I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.