The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
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Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”