If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
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i smell a pulitzer
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.