How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
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She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
God has abandoned us.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”