“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
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I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
What’s dopamine is dopayours.