try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
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Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Breaking news:
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
rapatouille
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’