When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
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If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.