Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
You Might Also Like
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards