sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
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“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe