A face that lunched a thousand chips.
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“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
They did not think through this water fountain
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”