WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
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Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring