Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
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I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Rt to bother an English speaker
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail