Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
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Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
guys I’m going home
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.