Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
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Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?