Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
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The more things change, the more they stay the same.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.