Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
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For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow