The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
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Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM