Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
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A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.