stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
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Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
mumsnet is amazing
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets