*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
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Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
True?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish