What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
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I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.