When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
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You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.