ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
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Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
When I snag the last meatball.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”