“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
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*pronounces patio like ratio
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
wtf is an acronym
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.