It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
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i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end