me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
You Might Also Like
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.