I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
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Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.