I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
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Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.