Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
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Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
fixed it
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda