What a relief. Bring on the nukes
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Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise