She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
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How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Well, this is awkward
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze