The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
You Might Also Like
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…