Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
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There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
You better watch out
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
ready to be harvested
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist