Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
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“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.