I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
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[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple