Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
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Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start